Just when it has seemed I couldn’t bear
one more friend
waking with a tumor, one more maniac
with a perfect reason, often a sweetness
has come
and changed nothing in the world
except the way I stumbled through it,
for a while lost
in the ignorance of loving
someone or something, the world shrunk
to mouth-size,
hand-size, and never seeming small.
I acknowledge there is no sweetness
that doesn’t leave a stain,
no sweetness that’s ever sufficiently sweet ....
Tonight a friend called to say his lover
was killed in a car
he was driving. His voice was low
and guttural, he repeated what he needed
to repeat, and I repeated
the one or two words we have for such grief
until we were speaking only in tones.
Often a sweetness comes
as if on loan, stays just long enough
to make sense of what it means to be alive,
then returns to its dark
source. As for me, I don’t care
where it’s been, or what bitter road
it’s traveled
to come so far, to taste so good
Saturday, January 23, 2010
Monday, January 18, 2010
Nervous System // Michael Dickman
Make a list
of everything that’s
ever been
on fire –
Abandoned cars
Trees
The sea
Your mother burned down to the skeleton
so she could come back, born back from her bed, and walk around the
house again, exhausted
in slippers
What else?
Your brain
Your eyes
Your lungs
*
When you look down
inside yourself
what is there?
You are a walking bag of surgical instruments
shining from the inside out
and that’s just
today
Tomorrow it could be different
When I think of the childhood inside me I think of sunlight dying on
a windowsill
The voices of my friends
in the sunlight
All of us running around
outside our
deaths
*
Someone is here
to see you
again
Someone has come a long way with their arms out in front of them
like a child
walking down a hallway
at night
Make room for them –
they’re very tired
I wish I could look down past the burning chandelier inside me
where the language begins
to end
and
down
of everything that’s
ever been
on fire –
Abandoned cars
Trees
The sea
Your mother burned down to the skeleton
so she could come back, born back from her bed, and walk around the
house again, exhausted
in slippers
What else?
Your brain
Your eyes
Your lungs
*
When you look down
inside yourself
what is there?
You are a walking bag of surgical instruments
shining from the inside out
and that’s just
today
Tomorrow it could be different
When I think of the childhood inside me I think of sunlight dying on
a windowsill
The voices of my friends
in the sunlight
All of us running around
outside our
deaths
*
Someone is here
to see you
again
Someone has come a long way with their arms out in front of them
like a child
walking down a hallway
at night
Make room for them –
they’re very tired
I wish I could look down past the burning chandelier inside me
where the language begins
to end
and
down
Sunday, December 20, 2009
The Quiet World // Jeffrey McDaniel
in an effort to get people to look
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
when the phone rings, i put it
to my ear without saying hello.
in the restaurant i point
at chicken noodle soup. i am
adjusting well to the new way.
late at night, i call my long-
distance lover and proudly say:
i only used fifty-nine today.
i saved the rest for you.
when she doesn't respond, i know
she's used up all her words,
so i slowly whisper i love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
after that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
into each other's eyes more,
the government has decided to allot
each person exactly one hundred
and sixty-seven words, per day.
when the phone rings, i put it
to my ear without saying hello.
in the restaurant i point
at chicken noodle soup. i am
adjusting well to the new way.
late at night, i call my long-
distance lover and proudly say:
i only used fifty-nine today.
i saved the rest for you.
when she doesn't respond, i know
she's used up all her words,
so i slowly whisper i love you,
thirty-two and a third times.
after that, we just sit on the line
and listen to each other breathe.
Absence // Jeffrey McDaniel
On the scales of desire, your absence weighs more
than someone else’s presence, so I say no thanks
to the woman who throws her girdle at my feet,
as I drop a postcard in the mailbox and watch it
throb like a blue heart in the dark. Your eyes
are so green – one of your parents must be
part traffic light. We’re both self-centered,
but the world revolves around us at the same speed.
Last night I tossed and turned inside a thundercloud.
This morning my sheets were covered in pollen.
I remember the long division of Saturday’s
pomegranate, a thousand nebulae in your hair,
as soldiers marched by, dragging big army bags
filled with water balloons, and we passed a lit match,
back and forth, between our lips, under an oak tree
I had absolutely nothing to do with.
than someone else’s presence, so I say no thanks
to the woman who throws her girdle at my feet,
as I drop a postcard in the mailbox and watch it
throb like a blue heart in the dark. Your eyes
are so green – one of your parents must be
part traffic light. We’re both self-centered,
but the world revolves around us at the same speed.
Last night I tossed and turned inside a thundercloud.
This morning my sheets were covered in pollen.
I remember the long division of Saturday’s
pomegranate, a thousand nebulae in your hair,
as soldiers marched by, dragging big army bags
filled with water balloons, and we passed a lit match,
back and forth, between our lips, under an oak tree
I had absolutely nothing to do with.
Exile // Jeffrey McDaniel
Mathematicians still don't understand
the ball our hands made, or how
your electrocuted grandparents made it possible
for you to light my cigarettes with your eyes.
It isn't as simple as me climbing into the window
to leave six ounces of orange juice
and a doughnut by the bed, or me becoming
the sand you dug your toes in,
on the beach, when you wished
to hide them from the sun and the fixed eyes
of strangers, and your breath broke in waves
over my earlobe, splashing through my head, spilling out
over the opposite lobe, and my first poems
under your door in the unshaven light of dawn:
Your eyes remind me of a brick wall
about to be hammered by a drunk
driver. I'm that driver. All night
I've swallowed you in the bar.
Once I kissed the scar, stretching its sealed
eyelid along your inner arm, dried
raining strands of hair, full of pheromones, discovered
all your idiosyncratic passageways, so I'd know
where to run when the cops came.
Your body is the country I'll never return to.
The man in charge of what crosses my mind
will lose fingernails, for not turning you
away at the border. But at this moment
when sweat tingles from me, and
blame is as meaningless as shooting up a cow with milk,
I realise my kisses filled the halls of your body
with smoke, and the lies came
like a season. Most drunks don't die in accidents
they orchestrate, and I swallowed
a hand grenade that never stops exploding.
the ball our hands made, or how
your electrocuted grandparents made it possible
for you to light my cigarettes with your eyes.
It isn't as simple as me climbing into the window
to leave six ounces of orange juice
and a doughnut by the bed, or me becoming
the sand you dug your toes in,
on the beach, when you wished
to hide them from the sun and the fixed eyes
of strangers, and your breath broke in waves
over my earlobe, splashing through my head, spilling out
over the opposite lobe, and my first poems
under your door in the unshaven light of dawn:
Your eyes remind me of a brick wall
about to be hammered by a drunk
driver. I'm that driver. All night
I've swallowed you in the bar.
Once I kissed the scar, stretching its sealed
eyelid along your inner arm, dried
raining strands of hair, full of pheromones, discovered
all your idiosyncratic passageways, so I'd know
where to run when the cops came.
Your body is the country I'll never return to.
The man in charge of what crosses my mind
will lose fingernails, for not turning you
away at the border. But at this moment
when sweat tingles from me, and
blame is as meaningless as shooting up a cow with milk,
I realise my kisses filled the halls of your body
with smoke, and the lies came
like a season. Most drunks don't die in accidents
they orchestrate, and I swallowed
a hand grenade that never stops exploding.
The Foxhole Manifesto // Jeffrey McDaniel
"There are no atheists in foxholes."
-- old Christian proverb
The first god I remember was a Santa Claus god, who you only
turned to around Christmas time,
who you tried to butter up, and then got mad at if you didn't
get what you wanted.
That didn't make sense. I knew if there was a god, he could see
through us, like we were made
out of cellophane, like he could stare directly into our hearts,
the way we look into an aquarium,
like he'd know what was floating around in there, like he might be
the one feeding it.
Then there were those people who used god to threaten you,
saying you better
be careful - god's watching, like god was a badass hillbilly
sitting in some cloud
with a pair of binoculars, a cotton candy beard, a six pack,
and a shot gun.
Then i saw people who had Jesus' name on their bumper sticker,
like he was running for president.
And sometimes those people with Jesus on their bumper sticker
would cut you off
on the freeway and give you the finger, which is very different
from lending you a hand.
Then there were people on television, dressed in weird clothes
and scary make-up, swearing
they had the secret to god, like god was a keyhole and their eyeball
was pressed to it, and if I just
gave 'em some money they'd let me look, and then I could see god
just hanging around in his boxer shorts,
and though I liked the idea of spying on god, I began to wonder
if the world would be a healthier place
if the Romans had just put up with Jesus and let him die of old age.
And then there were the football players, kneeling down in front
of everybody, thanking god,
like he was their best friend, but then they'd jump up and spike
the ball, yell I'm number one,
and I'd be confused, because if you're number one, then
what number is god?
Then I saw politicians trotting god out on a leash, like a racehorse
they wanted to hop on
and ride to the finish line. But if they lost it would be god's fault,
and god would be the donkey
they'd pin all their problems on, and that was very nice of god:
to be both a race horse and a donkey.
And then there were those who said you better be good on Earth
if you wanna get into heaven,
like heaven was the United States, and Earth was Mexico, and angels
were border patrol. Like when you die
you sit in a parked car on the outskirts of heaven, the engine idling,
your soul in the back seat in one of those kennels
used to carry small dogs on airplanes, as you listen to the radio to all
the people you ever wronged testify against you.
And then there was the church, which was like this cafeteria, where
they served god to you on these very
un-godlike plates, but I wanted my god pure, and not watered down
by human beings, so I just had one of those
catastrophe gods - you know, the one you only turn to in an emergency,
like god's the national guard you call in
to clean up the earthquake of your life. So I got drunk one night,
drove home, passed out behind the wheel,
woke, going sixty straight at a brick wall, slammed the breaks, heart
banging like a wrecking ball in my chest,
staring at death's face in the bricks, close enough to see we had
the same cheekbones.
Now I have a god who's like a mechanic who can fix anything,
so when I wanna chew somebody's head off
like a saltwater taffy, or amputate my DNA, or open my wrists
like windows that have been painted shut,
I just put my soul into a box, like a busted computer, and haul it in.
And he never asks to see my paperwork,
or says my warranty has expired. And I walk out feeling better.
And I don't care if he doesn't exist.
-- old Christian proverb
The first god I remember was a Santa Claus god, who you only
turned to around Christmas time,
who you tried to butter up, and then got mad at if you didn't
get what you wanted.
That didn't make sense. I knew if there was a god, he could see
through us, like we were made
out of cellophane, like he could stare directly into our hearts,
the way we look into an aquarium,
like he'd know what was floating around in there, like he might be
the one feeding it.
Then there were those people who used god to threaten you,
saying you better
be careful - god's watching, like god was a badass hillbilly
sitting in some cloud
with a pair of binoculars, a cotton candy beard, a six pack,
and a shot gun.
Then i saw people who had Jesus' name on their bumper sticker,
like he was running for president.
And sometimes those people with Jesus on their bumper sticker
would cut you off
on the freeway and give you the finger, which is very different
from lending you a hand.
Then there were people on television, dressed in weird clothes
and scary make-up, swearing
they had the secret to god, like god was a keyhole and their eyeball
was pressed to it, and if I just
gave 'em some money they'd let me look, and then I could see god
just hanging around in his boxer shorts,
and though I liked the idea of spying on god, I began to wonder
if the world would be a healthier place
if the Romans had just put up with Jesus and let him die of old age.
And then there were the football players, kneeling down in front
of everybody, thanking god,
like he was their best friend, but then they'd jump up and spike
the ball, yell I'm number one,
and I'd be confused, because if you're number one, then
what number is god?
Then I saw politicians trotting god out on a leash, like a racehorse
they wanted to hop on
and ride to the finish line. But if they lost it would be god's fault,
and god would be the donkey
they'd pin all their problems on, and that was very nice of god:
to be both a race horse and a donkey.
And then there were those who said you better be good on Earth
if you wanna get into heaven,
like heaven was the United States, and Earth was Mexico, and angels
were border patrol. Like when you die
you sit in a parked car on the outskirts of heaven, the engine idling,
your soul in the back seat in one of those kennels
used to carry small dogs on airplanes, as you listen to the radio to all
the people you ever wronged testify against you.
And then there was the church, which was like this cafeteria, where
they served god to you on these very
un-godlike plates, but I wanted my god pure, and not watered down
by human beings, so I just had one of those
catastrophe gods - you know, the one you only turn to in an emergency,
like god's the national guard you call in
to clean up the earthquake of your life. So I got drunk one night,
drove home, passed out behind the wheel,
woke, going sixty straight at a brick wall, slammed the breaks, heart
banging like a wrecking ball in my chest,
staring at death's face in the bricks, close enough to see we had
the same cheekbones.
Now I have a god who's like a mechanic who can fix anything,
so when I wanna chew somebody's head off
like a saltwater taffy, or amputate my DNA, or open my wrists
like windows that have been painted shut,
I just put my soul into a box, like a busted computer, and haul it in.
And he never asks to see my paperwork,
or says my warranty has expired. And I walk out feeling better.
And I don't care if he doesn't exist.
The Archipelago of Kisses // Jeffrey McDaniel
We live in a modern society. Husbands and wives don't grow
on trees, like in the old days. So where
does one find love? When you're sixteen it's easy,
like being unleashed with a credit card
in a department store of kisses. There's the first kiss.
The sloppy kiss. The peck.
The sympathy kiss. The backseat smooch. The we
shouldn't be doing this kiss. The but your lips
taste so good kiss. The bury me in an avalanche of
tingles kiss.
The I wish you'd quit smoking kiss.
The I accept your apology, but you make me really mad
sometimes kiss. The I know
your tongue like the back of my hand kiss.
As you get older,
kisses become scarce. You'll be driving
home and see a damaged kiss on the side of the road,
with its purple thumb out. If you were younger,
you'd pull over, slide open the mouth's red door
just to see how it fits. Oh where does one find love?
If you rub two glances, you get a smile.
Rub two smiles, you get a warm feeling.
Rub two warm feelings and presto-you have a kiss.
Now what? Don't invite the kiss over
and answer the door in your underwear.
It'll get suspicious and stare at your toes. Don't
water the kiss with whisky. It'll turn bright pink and
explode into a thousand luscious splinters,
but in the morning it'll be ashamed and sneak out of
your body without saying good-bye,
and you'll remember that kiss forever by all the
little cuts it left on the inside of your mouth. You must
nurture the kiss. Turn out the lights.
Notice how it illuminates the room. Hold it to your chest
and wonder if the sand inside hourglasses comes from a
special beach. Place it on the tongue's pillow,
then look up the first recorded kiss in an
encyclopedia: beneath a Babylonian olive tree in 1200 B.C.
But one kiss levitates above all the others. The intersection
of function and desire. The I do kiss.
The I'll love you through a brick wall kiss. Even when
I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth,
like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your
bones.
on trees, like in the old days. So where
does one find love? When you're sixteen it's easy,
like being unleashed with a credit card
in a department store of kisses. There's the first kiss.
The sloppy kiss. The peck.
The sympathy kiss. The backseat smooch. The we
shouldn't be doing this kiss. The but your lips
taste so good kiss. The bury me in an avalanche of
tingles kiss.
The I wish you'd quit smoking kiss.
The I accept your apology, but you make me really mad
sometimes kiss. The I know
your tongue like the back of my hand kiss.
As you get older,
kisses become scarce. You'll be driving
home and see a damaged kiss on the side of the road,
with its purple thumb out. If you were younger,
you'd pull over, slide open the mouth's red door
just to see how it fits. Oh where does one find love?
If you rub two glances, you get a smile.
Rub two smiles, you get a warm feeling.
Rub two warm feelings and presto-you have a kiss.
Now what? Don't invite the kiss over
and answer the door in your underwear.
It'll get suspicious and stare at your toes. Don't
water the kiss with whisky. It'll turn bright pink and
explode into a thousand luscious splinters,
but in the morning it'll be ashamed and sneak out of
your body without saying good-bye,
and you'll remember that kiss forever by all the
little cuts it left on the inside of your mouth. You must
nurture the kiss. Turn out the lights.
Notice how it illuminates the room. Hold it to your chest
and wonder if the sand inside hourglasses comes from a
special beach. Place it on the tongue's pillow,
then look up the first recorded kiss in an
encyclopedia: beneath a Babylonian olive tree in 1200 B.C.
But one kiss levitates above all the others. The intersection
of function and desire. The I do kiss.
The I'll love you through a brick wall kiss. Even when
I'm dead, I'll swim through the Earth,
like a mermaid of the soil, just to be next to your
bones.
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